That…… never happens.

1625 days single
260 weeks single
273000 hours waiting…
5 years have gone by…

My next match.

There I saw his flawless face and ever shinning smile. It’s been so long, so long since I’ve ever felt this way. The moment he pulled the chair for me to all the conversations we had, I couldn’t forget. It felt so familiar. The feelings, the chemistry. It’s been so long, so long since I’ve ever been treated like a woman. I really wanna kiss you and hold you. But I just sat there secretly looking at you when you’re unaware.

I was happy, thrilled and excited. I wanted it to last forever and I wish to see you again. My vulnerability rose and my heart pumped so fast.. I can’t breathe. You reached for my glass of water. You were holding in with both hands as if holding my hands. I looked at it with comfort. I don’t remember how it felt to be held. I don’t remember how it felt to have a decent conversation with someone I liked. I knew that i have found you.

It’s been so long, so long since I found someone whom I liked. It’s been so long, so long…yet I knew this is not right somehow. Your name is not written in the book of Life. I wanted so much to call you and to tell you I do like you but nothing ever happens. I just sat there and watched you. I gazed upon your gestures, thinking to myself if only you are from where I belong, all will be easier.

I missed you. Longing to see you again, I dunno how to proceed with these thoughts. Whenever I closed my eyes, the whole scene playing again and again, repeating words and extra imagination to spice up the fantasy I’ve build just for you and me. Then I paused.

Nothing ever happened.

I will just fall for you. I know I can’t resist this. Maybe it’s been too long, too long that my heart just need to be loved, the longing to be hold and kissed and hugged. It’s been so long, so long that my heart is bleeding each year with disappoinments.
Perhaps you are just one of the disappointments in my life again. One of the episode where we just walked pass each other and had a conversation without a meal. Maybe it’s just something that shouldn’t have taken place. I have no regrets. I’m glad we met.

Then..it stopped.

I stood speechless before Abba. I’ve told Him all about you. There were only tears. I will still choose Abba over you. My Abba means a lot to me. I can’t lose Him even if it means to lose you, I will still choose to be with Abba. I told Him to write your name in His book of Life. I see the goodness in you. I pray one day you will join Him and live a more meaningful life. Not necessary to be with me, but more of a blessing upon you and your family. Good person like you shouldn’t be gone unnoticed. You’re not forgotten. I told Abba to remember you. At least that’s the best I can do.

My heart sank again. I dunno how many more moons I will be in a state of loneliness until I was swept by my feet again. The thoughts of it killed me. It’s been so long, so long that I couldn’t feel my heart anymore. The world around me seems vague. I just long to have someone I could lean on when I cry.

That..never happens.

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